Three quarters of the way through this pregnancy, here’s what my Pregnant Tummeh looks like:

30 weeks

Unkind things to say to me right now:

  • Wow, that baby’s coming any minute!
  • When are you due, next week??
  • You sure are getting BIG!

Kind things to say to me right now:

  • You’re beautiful! Look at you glowing!
  • From behind I can’t even tell you’re pregnant.
  • Girl, you’re not even that big. You just FEEL big because you’re such a small person. But it’s all baby!

(My secretary wins a sainthood for that last comment.)

Honestly, I’m not nearly as fussy or bothered by my newfound girthiness as it may seem. But random strangers in elevators don’t know that, and those nice folks need to know that it is just not okay to initate conversation with a pregnant woman — who may feel awfully self-conscious about her appearance — by suggesting that she resembles a large marine mammal.

Of course, if you know the woman and can get away with teasing her, it probably is okay, so long as you get the marine mammal right. I personally prefer “beluga” to “orca,” and some days I feel downright humpbacked, but don’t mention a walrus in my presence or I shall promptly gore you with my enormous tusks.

Goo goo ga joob.